|
| January 2nd, 2012 It's the start of a new year yet the essence of Christmas remains. The streets are still lit with their brilliant lights and the scent of pine still fills the homes. The presence of the holiday lingers on in desperate nostalgia. I'm still consumed with the joys and wonders although it has passed.
The presence of who I was still haunts me everyday. She slips through the cracks uninvited and no one knows how long she will stay. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for days. I believe the time is coming soon when I can tear down the old, tacky lights, and the brittle and frail Christmas tree, and begin a new. 
I had to make a decision that night whether I was going to live or die. I was curled up in my closet, the only place I felt safe, amongst the disaster of clothes. I was scared. Scared to move, scared to breathe, scared to live one more minute inside my head. I could feel myself dying, my heart and soul slowing disintegrating to dust. I don't know how long I laid there waiting for death, but eventually I sat up, still shaking, still breathing. I chose life. Not only to exist or to survive...but to live. And I will choose it everyday for the rest of my days. 
| | |
| It's your birthday today. I didn't expect it to be this difficult. I didn't expect to care. But I do, and sadly, I always will. 
| | |
| I keep telling myself I can make it. I can make it through anything. Because throughout everything that I've been through, I have always come out alive. Alive? Physically, yes. My heart is still beating, my blood is still running through my veins, and my lungs are still accepting air. But I died a very long time ago. I'm a ghost who sometimes pretends I'm still alive. I laugh, play, and even comfort those in need. But it's nights like these that I'm reminded that I was murdered long ago. I killed myself with the lies I believed and the promises they broke. I didn't put up enough of a fight. I let the demons steal the bright and hopeful light straight out of me. I no longer believe in anything, hope for anything, or feel anything. When I dream though, oh when I dream, I'm alive again. Only in my dreams do I forget all the evils of this world. Please let me sleep forever. 
“I just lead a terribly solitary life, without any human beings involved whatsoever. And that to me is almost a perfect situation.”
| | |
| I can't keep my eyes off his wedding ring, so gold and pure. He glides his arm across the booth, drapping his hand along her shoulder. He must have noticed the way my eye brows lifted, because he quickly placed his arm back by his side. His laugh is so light, something I'm not familar with. His eyes light up when she speaks, and his smile is as lively as a child's. It doesn't seem to matter that he's fourteen years her senior, or that's he's married, or even that he's expecting a baby girl in October. I've seen this scene once before. I wish I could tell her how it will end. Warn her of the dangers of this game. She wouldn't listen though. I didn't listen. The rest of us didn't listen.Maybe we're afraid to love someone who has everything to offer us. Maybe we're afraid we can't handle everything. We only need late nights after work, random luncheons throughout the week, and secret displays of affection. It's safe here, between the lies and the shame. She has to find the truth out herself, so I just silently sit on my side of the booth and wait for the flames to begin. 
"We're always going and going and going, and never asking where. Did you ever hear of having more than you wanted? So that you couldn't want anything else and then started looking for something else to want? It seems like we're always searching for something else to satisfy us, and never finding it." | | |
| 
I don't know if it was the way the light reflected off the water unto her face, or the fact that I had become increasly vunarable, but it was as if my heart expanded as she spoke. He sat in the distance, smoking his ciggarete. We dipped our feet into the warm pool, spashing the water against our skin. She talks about the importance of family and friendship, and honesty. All the things I already knew were important. But she wasn't repeating what I already knew, she was making me understand what I had been taught. "I love you." She delcares. She turns her head towards him. "I love you both." Somehow, I believe her. "I love you too." And for the first time, I mean it. I only hope she does too. 
"You remember in the Wizard of Oz, when Glenda the good witch appears in her shiny pink bubble? That's what you need to do. Find yourself your very own bubble. It can be whatever damn color you want it to be. It can even have glitter or stars. It doesn't matter, because it's your bubble. You are good, and this is how you keep the evil out. No negativity can get through this bubble; not unless you allow it. And the positive things...they will just make your bubble bigger and brighter." | | |
|
